Category: thoughts

I took the day off, will make it up tomorrow. I slept until 1PM because I took melatonin too late last night, because i’ve had a hard time sleeping the past couple nights. Ander made tostones and eggs for “breakfast” and we took a walk so i could take photos of florida native plants. We’re getting anhhong for dinner because it’s late and we’re too lazy to make a whole meal now.

everyone wants new clothes, new cars, new faces. a treat, a piece of plastic, an easy solution.
i just want to soak in the old and dilapidated earth.

we went to the neighbors to get drinks, i looked at their garden. huge dill plants, flowering. i don’t have the adapter for the sd card, i took photos on my camera. i ate pistachio ice cream at home, and we’re watching cooking history videos. goodnight.

i hate being on instagram, it makes me feel jealous of people and anxious about everything all at once. i wish i wasn’t jealous of people, and i always want to get to the root of why but then i just get all insecure. i just need to be more confident in myself. what a ranty blog, but i needed to get it out.

i’m eating gummies and watching tv. today we worked on our projects, i finish the poster for the really really free market, and ander made graphics for the stream. i feel so good with life, besides the creeping bills and upcoming need to pay for and maintain my own health insurance. it’s fine, i’ll live, everyone else does. i just want to make art, tomorrow i will go to do a couple things at the house, replacing joysticks and moving some cords. i’ll come home and paint, i want to finish the kirby and maybe start painting that little rabbit.

was out earlier than usual to prune and water my plants. this lil’ cute cat joined me for a while. i’ve seen them before, i think the neighbor feeds them. they’re so friendly, meowing and rolling around. i hope they visit me again, i’ll have some catgrass out there next time.

a good weekend we started watching veep, binged it while slowly folding laundry all morning yesterday, then binged more while painting kirby. streamed with multi cam for the first time. i sewed together the lining of my purse, the handle of a tote bag and my cow slippers. i washed my face and am going to eat oreos and milk.

i just want to have my art in a gallery or something but i don’t think im good enough

i have moments where i know i am NOT being as logical as i usually am, and i am aware of it, but the emotions still take over and warp reality to the point where i don’t know what to believe. i want to be listened to but also reasoned with. in that vulnerable state it is easy for me to spiral into either self hatred or resentment with whatever is bothering me and both of those aren’t ideal. – what i need is co-regulation. not someone telling me im “not doing anything wrong” and possibly validating a thought that could lead to resentment. i tend to take a persons words as their perspective or opinion, so just saying things to lift my mood, often doesn’t work or just leads me into this weird self pity spiral. or to contrast that, someone ignoring a meltdown/shutdown causing me to believe i am a big ol’ sobbing burden, leading to self hatred. I also want to be told if i am being unreasonable or unfair. i only know my own brain, and if the way im analyzing a situation isn’t fair, i want to know so i can adjust. Of course i don’t expect ANYONE to just know to do this, Ander just kind of naturally does. He doesn’t overreact when I start to spiral, asks me what i’d like (hug, space, talking about it, or just sitting together while it passes) which allows me to process it while still knowing i am safe and loved, and he tells me when he thinks im being to harsh, because sometimes i just can’t tell but it is never my intention, i just have to rebalance the scale in my head. – I know i do all these things to others when they areupset. I know my sister responds well to it, often needing just some co-regulation to get through a tough brain moment. I do hope people learn to communicate more honestly without shame, it is how we will live together peacefully. – here’s some rocks i balanced yesterday.

i slept all day yesterday, i think i needed it. i would wake up, eat some strawberries then fall back asleep. whenever i have days like that, i can’t help but feel like the novel “my year of rest and relaxation”. a mix of, i need this, but is this truly what i need. – i made it out of bed by 8:30 AM this morning, immediately made the bed. took me a while to get dressed and making my coffee and breakfast. i think i left the house by 9:30AM. – i made my little cold brew, milk and the caramel i made the other night. a sandwich too, on ciabatta my mom got for us, an egg, arugula, a few grape tomatoes and some dry herb seasoning. tastes good, feels good.

– i made it to my parents house, and my precious vegetable garden. there were two red strawberries i picked. everything is sprouting and blooming and it brings me pure serotonin. there’s a dove nest in the honeysuckle tree, i will leave them some seeds right below.